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Literature Text
Sometimes I wish,
I could wake at one in the morning;
a cold sweat gathering at my brows,
to find my reality a dream.
Driving down main street,
the pungent aroma of second hand smoke:
tar, and carbon monoxide masking
the fresh air of a cool breeze,
lingering in the atmosphere surrounding.
I can only dream of lungs,
full of the gift created by purity;
cleanliness in a wretched reality.
He mumbles the lyrics of "Benny and the Jets",
lips unable to separate,
except for the rare ash of his cigarette
through the drivers window.
I try to escape this dismal view--
of a reality that has become too revolting to exist for;
sitting in a tin can,
rolling down an intersection.
Sometimes I curse the idea of memory,
or the stark realization;
I was created by my own worst enemy.
I could wake at one in the morning;
a cold sweat gathering at my brows,
to find my reality a dream.
Driving down main street,
the pungent aroma of second hand smoke:
tar, and carbon monoxide masking
the fresh air of a cool breeze,
lingering in the atmosphere surrounding.
I can only dream of lungs,
full of the gift created by purity;
cleanliness in a wretched reality.
He mumbles the lyrics of "Benny and the Jets",
lips unable to separate,
except for the rare ash of his cigarette
through the drivers window.
I try to escape this dismal view--
of a reality that has become too revolting to exist for;
sitting in a tin can,
rolling down an intersection.
Sometimes I curse the idea of memory,
or the stark realization;
I was created by my own worst enemy.
Literature
Void
[Instrumental Intro]
I don't wanna fall apart again
Tired of feeling this way
Gotta wonder why I try
When it always ends the same
Maybe I care too much
and yet it's never enough
Sick of losing out...
I don't wanna break down this time
I know I gotta move on with my life
Can't change the way things are
and I'm tired of this fight
I know I have no choice, gotta let go
Pray the darkness won't claim my soul
I surrender, I gotta fill this void within!
[Instrumental Transition]
A glass heart with a steel backbone
not made for battle
not afraid to stand for the cause
But oh! How I've grown weary of this game
Done with the lies
Literature
Ferment
My flesh is burning;
glowing embers
reminiscent of
a lit cigarette,
slowly withering away.
My viscera;
now nothing
more than ash.
My heart is
reaching the
stage of
decomposition,
beating more
slowly every
passing minute.
There is a
cataclysmic entity
that was once
known as my soul,
but it is
of no more
use to me.
It craves release
from this carrion.
-Brian Shuffett
March 27th, 2010
Literature
Mendacious
The heart falters;
it is a weak and
fragile thing.
I feel a clasp
tight as a clamp
around it when I
hear your voice
echoing in this
dark corridor.
What beckons me
are the demons
that dwell within you.
They speak in tongues
and I curse them.
Your language
is mere poison;
a dialect long
bereft of veracity.
-Brian Shuffett
March 19th, 2010
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Definitely a personal one.
I would absolutely adore feedback.
-V
_______
My critique of a gallery piece: [link]
Questions:
1. This has no rhyme scheme, and really isn't meant to have a pattern. However, it still needs to flow. Does this flow well?
2. I understand that the wording here is very simple, but would anyone consider it too simple? I wanted it to reflect a wise but very young preteen.
3. Is the end too abrupt?
4. Is the subject clear? Is the plot understandable?
I would absolutely adore feedback.
-V
_______
My critique of a gallery piece: [link]
Questions:
1. This has no rhyme scheme, and really isn't meant to have a pattern. However, it still needs to flow. Does this flow well?
2. I understand that the wording here is very simple, but would anyone consider it too simple? I wanted it to reflect a wise but very young preteen.
3. Is the end too abrupt?
4. Is the subject clear? Is the plot understandable?
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Comments22
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactYou got my attention with the first part instantly, and kept it throughout (which my flighty mind really appreciates!)
A couple of little grammar things that will just help clarify your message:
I think "second hand" in regards to smoking is usually one word, so "secondhand."
I love the imagery in the second stanza, but I think the punctuation could be clearer. When you get to "the pungent aroma..." through the end of that section, I can't tell if it's a list, in which case it should be commas and no colon, like "secondhand smoke, tar, and carbon monoxide masking..." or if you're describing the secondhand smoke as tar and carbon monoxide, in which case you'd keep the colon but lose the comma after "tar," like "the aroma of secondhand smoke: tar and carbon monoxide masking..."
I think that colon would serve you very well in the next part, though, right after "purity" to describe oxygen as the "cleanliness in a wretched reality" (love that, by the way).
"Drivers" is possessive, so it needs an apostrophe: "driver's."
A colon is also needed after "exist for" because you're then defining that reality.
In answer to your questions:
1. It flows perfectly. The internal dialogue nested in the descriptions of the setting but set apart works very well.
2. I like simple language with a purpose, and your message is clear and relatable. I think that's a good thing.
3. I don't think the ending is abrupt; the only thing that made me scratch my head at first were the two lines before the end. In the other two non-italicized parts, I'm sort of looking at him, and then it's refocused with "I." It feels like the camera suddenly swiveling, which may be what you intended. I don't have a great suggestion for it, unless maybe returning the subject to him somehow, like, "Sometimes he makes me..." or make it general, like, "Curse the idea of memory." It's okay how it is though, just took me a minute to re-frame it.
4. I think the subject is clear and more importantly, completely relatable. Most of us have been similar situations, and it's great to tap into that.
Nicely done! I can tell that it's personal, and that works for it.